The Alchemy of Pain

 Ever since I was  6 yrs. old,  I have been sketching pages after pages ..books after books of just two drawings -  an eagle and a Unicorn with wings.

Why?  - I do not know.

So, when Tattoo came up as an option  - many years later – I knew what I wanted. I had already got the eagle on my arm – it was now time for the Unicorn.

After a lot of research and discussion with my tattoo artist friend, Swapnil, I decided on the perfect (according to me) unicorn – and I also decided I wanted it on my nape. This was a birthday gift from me to me.

Excited I went to Swapnil’s  studio, and he traced the Unicorn on my nape – it was quite big  - I was excited – and could not wait to get started.

In all this excitement of  - finally!! – I  had forgotten one thing about me – I had a very low pain threshold – just getting my eyebrows done is a 40 minutes – wet eyes and lot of tissues  - ordeal.

So when he stared with the first curve – I literally had goose bumps from the excruciating pain (all those people who, when they see a tattoo – and ask  - “does it hurt? “  - the answer is  f#$%^ …YES . and on the neck ..It hurts even more)

I had to ask Swapnil to pause – while I could breathe – He let me have my time -  I was ready and he started again … the pain was so intense that it shot through my very core and involuntary tears rolled from my eyes – I pulled away from him instinctively – he saw my tears and started laughing …

It was funny. I was also laughing at the silliness..after all I was the one who asked for it... but on the very inside. Outside -  the pain was real and white. The humour was lost on it's way out..

I realized that the Unicorn was big – and would take many “strokes” – I had no idea how I was going to get through this…

My rational mind kept kicking me in the head  - why did I have to select such a big picture – could I not do with a ‘small’ one? - so much pain – and tears… 

Because THAT is what I wanted – nothing else – I had just not bargained for the price.

And now there was no going back.

I figured that I would have to walk through this …how? - I had no idea.

I went back and decided to be “wilful” and courageous ..he started again .. I bit my lip and clenched my fists and sat- forcing myself not to whimper or pull away – I was all wound up.

This way.. it worked a little – I got through 5 minutes this time before I pulled away again…

Swapnil grumbled kindly , that this whole tattoo was going to take non stop 2 hours and if I kept stopping every 5 minutes we would take forever…

I was dizzy with all the pain -  holding back and not breathing…

It felt like I had reached the pinnacle of pain

There was nowhere to go - to hide . What I was running away from, had fully caught up with me.
I realised I could not  - now,  mid way turn back.

Turning back was NOT an option.

And then..  something shifted inside me…

I realized that the Pain was inevitable – the delicate skin was scratched by three needles at the same time.. blood oozed .. it was going to happen - I could not wish it away - there was no choice.

But… suffering was in my mind.. and therefore ... I had a choice.

I decided to separate the pain from suffering.

With this new perspective and strategy I went back . I still didn't know if this would work..but I had to find out .

Just getting this clarity and seeing this choice - I felt calmer and in a different place on the inside.

No longer – clenched and closed

This acceptance of the inevitable pain somehow had allowed me to become soft and open once again…

Swapnil started – and the a shaft of pain went down my spine – I stayed and just breathed in the pain – and relaxed into my body… in my mind instead of running away from my neck - I went there and stayed there - as a few minutes went by with more strokes  - my breathing became more steady and then dropped into a normal pace.. the sensation of pain on my neck was there – but since  I had decided not to suffer – I could “watch” the pain and not be in pain.

I decided to “see” the pain more closely just to amuse myself  – I started to hear the buzz of the needles and the change in the rhythm as Swapnil changed the direction of the needed – it was a surreal experience – like I was watching a  slow motion movie – It felt like it was happening somewhere far off and my mind kept doing it usual wander -  nothing forced - no rejection – even when I kept coming back to the process deliberately   .

Swapnil would stop for some rest on his own every 20 minutes or so…But for the rest of the duration I didn't so much as flinch .

I realized I had had an epiphany – I realized in a real situation and not intellectually – that suffering was a choice.

Years later going through Vipassana I realized that the sanskrit word for Pain was "Vedana" and research told me that the root word for Vedana  was "Ved" meaning Wisdom. When I blocked or ran away from pain - I was also blocked the wisdom that would  come from it. 

It's so beautiful the way nature attaches the most powerful wisdom and lessons to an experience of pain so that we are 'fully' alive in that moment -like birth - like the caterpillar .

I keep remembering this lesson – especially when I am going through physical or emotional pain. That  all I need to do is just these 3 things:

Accept

Breathe

Choose

And this too shall pass - My unicorn is my teacher.