Wishing well

I sit here
Even as I slip
Into the darkness of grief
Thick suffocating unbearable.
I Struggle
As images from the past and future
Crowd my mind
Each demanding its space
like untried victims
Wanting to be seen, to be heard.
I am overwhelmed.

I gasp as I hear their version of stories
Surprise, shock, wonder, acknowledgement, sadness, joy, gratitude, relief
My life seems to have become a kaleidoscope
Somehow, the broken pieces of bangles make meaning
As they come together after every turn.

And bit by little bit
My own narrative seems to be shifting
Of who I was, who I am .
Who Am I?
A daughter, Sister, Niece, grand-daughter, friend, girl guide, mother, teacher…
and so many more people.

I sit here knowing its far from over
Like clouds of grey mist drifting…shifting..changing shape and form
I need to wait and let the darkness settle.
Till I see and pick up
The coins that were thrown by these people
into the dark waters
Long time ago;
With hope and faith
and closed eyes.

So that, someday,
Like today
I would find them.

And know trust again.
with open eyes.

Rhea


Redemption

I am here.
And I will also be there
Sometimes for you,
Being someone
In moments
That you will either love or hate
Nothing in between
There is no in between.. by the
way

I will be there to be the space for
you to grow
Other times
I am doing some growing of my
own
The two roles
Sometime overlap
In both our experience
And understanding

We need to
As much for ourselves as for our
world
Identify relate with and come to
terms
With the variables.

Deep inside I know why I am
here
Sometimes,
I can see it clearly.
And sometimes
My convenient ignorance
Blinds me.
So does
My clever intelligence

Decisions.
Made out of awareness, in the
present
Have a bearing on the future
In the form of consequence..
They also have a bearing
On the past
In the form of redemption.

The trick is to know..
Really know.. in your heart, body
and soul
Where past ends and future
begins.
© Rhea D'Souza

Tell me



Don't tell me how well you can speak.
Tell me, how well you can listen,
To what's not being said.
 
Don't tell me about all the hardships you have overcome
Tell me about the simple things,
That you have found difficult.
 
Don't tell me about the thunder of applause
Tell about the crumpling sound,
Of wishes broken
 
Don't tell me about the brilliance of the sun,
Tell me about the image of the moon,Not visible.
 
Don't tell me about your many friends,
Tell me about your relationship,
With you.
 
Don't tell me about all the answers that you have found,
Tell me about the questions,
That you are too scared to ask.
 
Don't tell me, what you do from morn to night,
Tell me what you do,
Just after you fall asleep.
 
Don't tell me about all the great things you have written,
Tell me about all the words, which filled the blank pages
That you were afraid to write.
 
Don't tell me what you will tell the world anyway,
Tell me
What you cannot tell yourself.
 
Rhea

Open

Do something daring
Like jumping from the skies
Diving with turtles
Or listening to your heart
Again.

Do something crazy
like colour your hair grey
Pack your bags and leave without a plan
or tell the truth.

Adventures are waiting in the wings
For you to tire out
Get drained, surrender
and then
be open.
Till
You begin the real one

Rhea

Little Bud

Tentatively it showed itself
In a place that it felt it did not belong.
The little bud..had apprehensions.

"So what if the sun burns me?", the bud asked
You are the sunflower my darling.

"What if the wind sweeps me off? "
Then fly..let the life in your pollen gift itself.

"And, what if the bee comes and stings? "
You will then soon turn to something sweet..my sweet.

But..but..
Pause.....shudder.
"What if they bury me ?"
Then remember little one.
You are a seed .
-Rhea

Illusions

The illusion of detachment
and the drama of pain.
When you were always free
You were never attached to anything ..
Ever.
Including your name.

We give up everything everyday
When we sleep,
See??

I have always wondered;
At how we create the exact same world
When we wake up
And why?

Oh!!! Mind…
What would you create, if it wasn’t for
Your need for safety of the same ?
Would you then be free?

Stardust

No,
It didn’t make a noise
not even a whimper
when my trust broke.
shattered.

It just collapsed on itself
Like a dying star
back to it’s core
zero radius
Dense.

Silence......

I’ll wait.
the universe, after all was born;
from a dying star.

Let the cosmic dance begin.

Rhea Dsouza

Illusions

The illusion of detachment
and the drama of pain.
When you were always free
You were never attached to anything ..
Ever.
Including your name.

We give up everything everyday
When we sleep,
See??

I have always wondered;
At how we create the exact same world
When we wake up
And why?

Oh!!! Mind…
What would you create, if it wasn’t for
Your need for safety of the same ?
Would you then be free?

Boundaries

Where angles dare
The boundaries ;
maybe missing .
Or obscured
with misplaced care.

I saw a cow pick up a slice of melon
And give it
to the crying child by the road
The one
Who was shooed away
By the one behind the wheel.

I wonder
In pain, anguish
And amazement

Why ???
Should angels dare??
Sigh !!!
Tears have no faith
They belong to no one.
They know no boundaries.

Rhea Dsouza

Moments



I make love with moments
with complete abandonment
with more 
of me

Breathe them
Fill every cell of my body, 
with them

And then,
I abort them.
It's messy, hurts.......the blue blood

I am empty once again.
Cells are imprinted ....
forever.

The  sound of empty
Is loud
and the pain is real.....and slow

Or maybe....
its the memory,
of the pain

And I know, Its time to let go

Rhea

Strangers


 
You have grown silent
Although you talk more now
Like you have to scream louder
Because of the distance
 
The stitch which held the fabric that was us
Has come off now.
And stitch by stitch...slowly
The pattern is disintegrating
 
Matter of time
Before it is threadbare
And the threads,
untied...loose....free
fly away
on the winds.
 
And we become strangers.....
Once more.
-- 

Rhea

Kaleidoscope


Colourful pieces of broken bangles
Was always facinated by the kalieodoscope
Spent hours trying to make
beautiful random patterns
And the clinking sound of it
Didnt sound like broken glass to me
Hold it against the sky
The changing beauty
at the end of dark hollow tunnel
Smile to myelf at my creation...the mirth
An amazing pattern just energed.
Have to hold still, or the pattern will disappear
Staying absolutely still.........
Am I dead ?
Revelling , marvelling , believing....or wanting to
Ignoring my aching arm, sweaty palm, the voices calling me
A different dimension, the world around
moving in a slow blur....
Time stands still.
....then the kaliedoscope slips.... .. falls
And I am, once more amidst

The debris of a broken relationship

Rhea



Anguish

He tossed and turned in bed
The current blending with the past
What was, he couldn’t see – the time lines of memory mixed up
And what he saw
Could not be spoken.
The anguish ..was stilling.

He tried to keep quiet .
He tried to speak the truth ..
Silently
Till his voice ran hoarse.

Dry mouthed....
yet;
He started speaking the truth
Spitting out the words
With traces of blood
they came out dizzy with waiting ..
and yet unfazed.
They came out defying the boundaries
Of self and others, past and present,
us and them, religion and capitalism
They.
Came out.
and
Slowly ..very slowly.
exhausted he fell asleep
Falling into a peaceful slumber

I know he was peaceful
I saw truth drooling his chin.
Rhea

An Ode to the Bolero.