The Alchemy of Pain

I looked Searched. Everywhere.

Under the bed

Behind the curtain

Between the folds of your clothes

In the crack beneath the door

I even looked for it in the

Space between the wings of a dead moth.

I could not find it.

I looked at the sun, and then the moon

I squinted my eyes to see the pattern

And sometimes closed them

Trying to hold the image and somehow

Maybe push it to my heart to hold.

Nothing.

I looked

At the rings left by the tea cup

And in the texture of the crayon strokes

I was desperately trying

To understand

Your world.

I was looking

For perspectives.

That would help me connect

With you, With me

My search was beginning to get frantic

And it matched my rapid shallow breathing

That I had gotten into the habit of.

My stomach hurts from all this

I realize I need to slow down.

The piercing shaft of pain forces

My breathing to be slow..deliberate ..held

My feet to be on the ground more firmly.

And in this pain and through it

I began to see, finally.

And

Slowly.

I found it . Some unmistakeable traces of it.

In the least expected of places

Amidst the mess of the fights

In the chaos of ‘I’’s

Hidden In-between the silences

And tucked in the corner of the books

Reread with underlines

I could touch it.

With gratitude and gentleness

I could see, something

Which we still call

We.

I marvel at the gift of the pain

And the clarity it brings.

When the mind is forced

to come back to the body

and to this present moment.

The anatomy of pain , is still a mystery to me

But the alchemy

Is a gift.

I am grateful for.