Wednesday, March 22, 2017


Cannot signpost in language
The pause that I fall headlong into ..
between two silences.

Holding conversations without a beginning or end.
I realize painfully
That somethings are like perforated experiences
Series of holes held together by blank pieces of paper
Delicate. So fragile.
Holding the conversations.. the pages ..the book and eventually
The story together.
To be read and understood one day...

Till then
I must resist the urge to tear off the page.,,
that seems loose..
and be patient.

Monday, January 23, 2017


It was a closed book
Thick grey and very important looking
He lay it in front of me..
I could see the frayed pages on top of the other
Read, re-read, stacked, marked, contemplated , and even ..slept upon....I guess.
I wait. Patiently ..I think ,
Time goes by .. shadows change.
We look at the book in-between , and then at each other
Waiting ..stretches the long pause in the conversation
I am silent ..and so is he, just like the grey book
Silence !!!
I am still waiting…
But now, No longer waiting still.
I begin to fidget, look around, long quick breaths escape unchecked..
He continues to look at me,does not move an inch, and then the book
He isn’t about to break the silence anytime soon ..I can sense that.
Time has some strange habits..
I notice my body beginning to contract inch by inch
I fidget to make space, to breathe ..
and in that shifting ..
I suddenly become aware of, the nature, of my waiting, shift
What was masquerading like patience was really, tolerance.
And as I hear the voices of the two Waits
I hear..
Tolerance saying, “I am waiting ..Can we move on..?”
Waiting for things to close..
Patience saying, “I am waiting ..Can we move in…?
Waiting for things to Open..

Waiting suspended for a bit
Taking a deep breath.. I smile,
Waiting now....
Not to move on - but to move in.

Be Bored

Jet lagged and tired..
It was a perfect excuse to be bored.
Sitting at home doing nothing. So I did just that - Nothing.
Not because I wanted to but because I couldn’t do anything else .
TV channel switching ..books pages flipping …even eating chocolate Didn’t work.
So I let myself Be bored. All the distraction lost their power.
There is something about nothing on the outside being a hook anymore that almost forces one to go and stay within.
As I entered the Boredom.. I also encountered a different me.
A me that I generally don’t get to meet .. Since I don’t easily get bored.
Or, more honestly don’t let myself get there.
As my mind settled down into the slow steady rhythm of bored, and stop fighting it…
It actually felt so much ease..
I could hear my deepest thoughts And feel the tiny sensations.
It was like being in a whole different world Where time stood still. I felt at home.
The things that were really important were now clearer. Seeing has a different meaning.
Be Bored.
Don’t let your mind trick you into entertainment.
The silence that gets created inside wants to say something.
When the outside is no longer alluring - you can see through the Lure.
Being bored can be a great doorway to Listen to the conversation inside.
and a great indicator that ...It’s time.
Be Bored
Be Connected.

For you

These tears you keep holding back,
were only meant to flow and make you lighter
These words you keep swallowing down,
were only meant to make you empty and set you free
These battles you keep avoiding,
were only meant to get clarity of what is really important
These mountains you keep carrying,
were only meant for you to climb and cross
These seeking journeys that frustrate you,
were only meant for you to meet your self in the wilderness.
These loud voices which you want to shut your ears to,
were only meant for you to hear the unheard louder pleas
These cruelties of your heart breaks,
were only meant to open the heart and set your soul free.
These moments of getting lost and wandering,
were only meant for you to keep wondering and find magic.
These dark nights and long tunnels,
were only meant for you to have faith and embrace your fears with love
You see.. dear one all along, they were all
for you, never to you.


In the wake of night - lay dawn.
In the wake of a retreating wave - lay unfettered sand.
In the wake of a flower - lay the fruit.
In the wake of history – lay art.
In the wake of the storm - lay an opportunity to de-clutter.
In the wake of a fight - lay apologies and intimacy.
In the wake of a smile - lay restfulness.
In the wake of crisis – lay resilience and new perspectives.
In the wake of the silent dawn - lay the busy chirping of waking up birds.
In the wake of the tears - lay a fresh heart.
In the wake of death - lay the possibilities of new life.
In the wake of quake - lay vulnerability.
And yet…
Yet ....
We refuse and resist wake-ing…
Wake does not mean an end..
It just marks the temporary past location of something as it was ..
Making way for what is.
Time to A-wake.


Tired from the weight of accumulated time
Fragments of identity
Start to loosen and float.
Like dust particles
Going up in the air
when we dust old mattresses
Kept on the loft.

I remember, as a child, being mesmerised
watching them move in the singular light beam
I would never know for sure if,
I was seeing the particles because of the light
Or, the light because of the dust particles.

What fascinated me was also ,
how one little movement or interference in one place
and the entire band of dust moved…like magic!!!

Maybe that is true of the fragments of identity as well.
It is irritating for some time, for sure
The fog, the burning eyes, the itchy skin, the runny nose, the fatigue
But in the end
It is freeing - softening - cleansing;
Time to come down from the loft.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Now you see me

“Love is the Magician that pulls man out of his own hat “ - Ben Hecht

I have been a fan of Magic real and make believe for a while, Houdini and David Blaine are my favorites.. From time to time, I still go back to harnessing a day dream of being an on stage magician.

I just saw “Now you see me 2.” .. and I am awestruck. Because now I see it too.

Not just because of all the tricks and the magicians secret revealed bit, although that was great too.

The Movie really came together for me in the end… when Mark Rafalo , who plays Dylan , the central character and Morgan Freeman who plays Thaddeus Bradley Dylan’s fathers partner, after a cat and mouse chase - meet in  the end..

The whole movie starting from part 1 is about Dylan avenging his fathers death, when a final act of escaping the Iron chest goes wrong, and Dylan believes that Thaddeus is responsible for it since the two were rivals. Dylan spends 30 years of his life planning a revenge act and putting Thaddeus behind bars for life.

And in the end, after being setup by Thaddeus in the same chest that his father could not escape, this time with a little help, , Dylan manages to set himself free…and not just from the Iron chest.

The only way out is through – Thaddeus says with the characteristic smile on his face and  Care and Patience writ in large bold letters  across his face.

The perplexed Dylan, is told that the only reason the truth was not revealed to him was that while he though that he was after revenge  - he really was wanting redemption.
Redeeming himself as a son who “couldn’t save his father”  and  redemption on behalf of his magician father who couldn’t free himself from the iron chest ” . While he thought he wanted  was to cage Thaddeus,  what he was really after was to free himself.. something that Thaddeus saw and provide for.

This made me think of father and Son/daughter redemption?? How much time of our lives we spend on proving or disproving an incident and holding on to grudges.. and in the end just to find out, that all of this was really to become free ourselves.

I know. I have been there. With my relationship with my dad, who was more father in absence. It took my son to make me realize that my dad was also a man, who had his own journey and holding on to bitterness was really hurting me most. And my path to redemption was then to provide that love for my son and myself unconditionally.

 As I  wondered about Magic I figured that’s what it was about  - The wonder.

When we wonder we make up many many  scenarios… only to realize years later that  most of them …didn’t really happen.  But we make them up anyway to keep being right about our grudges. Because to be honest without the exaggerated versions of our stories, the grudges don’t really make sense…and so, neither do all the choices we make along the way.

In the end in the’s just ourselves that we have to set free.

A lot if it also has to do with seeing the other side of the story.

As a kid,  I was a performer. I loved my family who was always , a ready enthusiastic audience who thought I was the best, especially my mom.  I performed my own silly versions of magic shows, I would Pause after I visibly moved the coin from one hand to the other and then everyone clapped …

Again... the entire effort was to keep my hands empty ..THAT was the proof of good magic 

It was a Magic show, alright, except the Magic, was certainly not in what I did .. but in who I was becoming in the way my family was seeing and responding to me with love …

That, was what pulled me out of my own hat.