Nature Speak

Yesterday a crow came to my window sill..in the afternoon

And did its incessant cawing.. I was used to this ..’ they are building their nest above
my kitchen window..and I feel the female is pregnant..because her food routine ..and
likes- dislikes have changed..so. generally it’s an ask for food..or a complain about
the pigeons..

I pretend to ignore most days....

This time..somehow, its tone was different..it had a bit of shrill in it..and in more quick succession than usual..I found myself frowning…

Because of this..I got up to see what was up..

I saw it looking in a particular direction ..and stressfully screeching..

Crows ..although sometimes are annoying..I know are also..great protectors..and have
a very good “network” ..this crow call was being relayed..and other crows in other
building had also started to pickup this ..tone

So I tried to see what else was going on..

Following the line of vision of the crow..I saw there were 4-5 hawks circling..

This was also not an unusual sight....as there are two hawks generally in the area and
they ..are..’regulars’..generally peaceful co-existence..

This day these 4-5 were circling above a small ..forgotten playground inside our
building compound..I felt a bit of fear in my heart..

I felt compelled to go down to see what was going on..

As I approached the abandoned playground..a few cats..that had started to generally
hang around….were making all kinds of noises..and were running away from that spot..

Now something was really up..

The hair on the back of my neck stood up…

I cautiously went in the direction…a few days ago I saw a snake here..I though maybe
that was what was going on..

As I inched forward even as the hawks starts to screech…I saw ..almost camouflaged…
a peahen.. hurt and not really able to move… I had never seen a peahen so close..

She was big…and was whimpering..

I had heard peacocks a couple of days ago..but not seen..So I wrote off that feeling thinking..how can peacocks come here..It all now made sense.., the peacock must be
close-by..

I looked up…..there were more hawks now..and the crows had also gathered in more numbers making a noise.. warning… guarding…warding off… the hawks were about to
come in for the kill…

I had to act fast....

I quickly called our security people, and with their help picked her up and took her to
the gardener house..where she would be nursed till she could be on her own again…

The feeling of panic ...slowly subsided.. The cacophony had dropped many decibels..
and so I felt much better..safer, I realised my heart had been beating fast..

And I went home..shaken..grateful and .....also confused..

I reflected on a conflict that morning with someone over ..”words” and communication.
And how it was often so difficult to convey or understand what “words” meant” what
they intended to convey…and I for one feel quite inept at being able to find the right words..right tone..to say what I am feeling…

And yet, with this episode of birds ..communicating, looking out for each other..and
how ..one crow ..was not just one crow..it was an amazing unfolding ecosystem..if one followed it..and how no “words” were spoken but there was this ..undeniable
communication between us.. followed by action….and some resolution.

I am left amazed at the potential of deep intuitive listening and the inadequacy of
language as we know it. Also the importance of ..’listening to the whole ecosystem’ ..
not just one voice…

Sigh !!!!!!!

I am reminded of these lines from a hindi song from the movie Border..

Panchi chidiya pawan ke zhonke..koi sarahd na ..inhe rooke..
Socho tumne aur maine kya paya…insaan hoke.

(Translation)

These birds sparrows winds…no borders have ever stopped them
Just think. . what have you and I really achieved...by being Humans??

Dear god please make me a bird in my next life .

~ Rhea

Grief

Last week I read about an elephant who escaped a circus

and just rolled and played in the open snow near by

My heart broke..I cried. Thinking of what we have come to.

And just how simple acts of freedom are denied..everyday..unseen.

and how numb we have become.

What we don't see, we edit from our reality

What we edit from our reality, we don't talk to

What we don't talk to(not about), we don't understand

What we don't understand, we fear

What we fear, we avoid

What we avoid, we become immune to

What we become immune to

We destroy and kill..

Violence has many insidious forms.

Not having got attention

It dies.

A Silent death

But the screams can be felt by the soul.

As an acute sense of loss, a deep grief

A loneliness that is present at all times.

With the death of the last species of dragonfly

The world becomes silent by a flutter

And we shudder involuntarily.

When we see the fires burning a forest

Animals dying, people divided

Children not knowing what ‘safe’ means

We gulp the unshed tear...unconsciously.

And we release that

The silences we hold back, are reverberated outside

Some part of the pain, that fire, the death,

the fear, the helplessness, the grief

Belongs to us.

It’s time we own it, and give it voice.

As an ultimate act of taking responsibility.

And atleast attempt to pay some debt back to this Earth

Rhea

Little Prince

“When a mystery is too overpowering, one may not disobey.” - Little Prince 

Yesterday our building had the passage on each floor fumigated. They bring this white smoke gun and fire it everywhere...a strong gush of smoke comes out and fills the entire space.

I requested them to do that inside the house as well, they did.

I danced pretending I was in clouds. (I remembered doing this as a young girl every time these guys came. )..the smoke soon disappeared.

After a couple of hours as I finished preparing dinner and sat to watch some netflix..I had intense burning sensation on my shoulder and it had turned an angry red… I showered again, wondering what was happening... As I sat again, my shoulder still burning.. suddenly I saw a couple of mosquitoes, fly away from the spot I was sitting. And then, the memory hit me..like a ton of bricks, and everything suddenly made sense….

As a young girl when, I saw these mosquito men come I used to run inside the house where I knew the mosquitoes sat huddled and shoo them away… because I knew the smoke would kill them…This day, today....as I invited the smoke gun guys, I forgot about the mosquitoes.

I must add that mosquitoes, ants never bite me, much to the annoyance of my son :) (as I sometimes leave the windows open in the evening).

This day the mosquitoes bit me, to remind me. And I realized how I had forgotten who I used to be… and I had to apologize, to them.

We are friends again now :). I left the window open they came in ..and this time didn't bite me :)

“Growing up is not the problem. Forgetting childhood is.” – Little Prince

Rhea

Touched

3 Days ago I ran out of bread for my crows..it was around 1 in the afternoon and I had just about 30 minutes before my next zoom call, and their feed time. So I quickly went down to our only Milk and bread store. I took two packets of bread and noticed a young man, maybe 27-28 yrs in blue demin and shirt could easily be a college student, guessing by the shoulder bag he had on his shoulders.He was waiting at a ‘safe distance “ I presumed for me to move aside before he came closer. I did .

He then moved a little close..still safe distance and asked , if could get bread and half litre milk for him… I have to admit, inside me I was a bit surprised, but I didn't let it show..I gave him one of the two loaves of bread I was holding and asked the shopkeeper to pack half a litre of milk.

The well-meaning shop owner asked the young man how was he going to have bread with raw milk..and that he should take lassi instead..the young man politely refused and said he just wanted half litre of milk..even as someone was packing the milk in a thin plastic bag, the shop owner again insisted with questions..about how was he going to make tea?? He should take lassi . the boy yet again said he just wanted half litre milk…

I was silently watching all this, I had to get back… but at this point I felt I had to intervene..and I told the shop owner that if the boy wanted milk to just give him milk…I quickly asked the boy if there was anything else he wanted. He refused. ..I thought it was done.

The half litre milk was now packed in a bag and kept on the counter in front of this young man.. But he just stood there without taking it..I wasn't sure what to do.. I looked at him..the milk..the shop owner and back to him… he looked at me .. the milk and back…(If it wasn't so quiet it would have been comical… it was like scene from some art movie) ..

I had already asked if he wanted anything else and he had said no..so I really didn't know what to do now.. The shop owner and his milk packing assistance were also now silent spectators of this ..suspense… I wasn't about to make any move..because I didn't know what the move was.

After a few minutes..the young man pointed to the milk bag and said to me..in english “why don't you give it to me..”… I was a little relived..a little surprised but then I thought it must be some kind of self-respect thing.. I felt good…proud even, of this person.. I picked the bag and kept it on his outstretched palm.. He didn't “hold” the bag..he just let it stay..so I could not let go of it either..

The young man then looked at me straight in the eye..and ..I swear his eyes had gone …still..and had changed… we were locked in that moment. He then said..in hindi….. in a very different voice from what I had heard so far, this voice was different.. more… distant and kind of old

He said ..” Brahmhand ne mujhe aur apko iis kshan me yahan bheja hai ..ke me apke ke haaton se ye amrit loon”…. Pause.. “ Appka hamesha bhala ho” . Translation : (the Universe has sent you and me in this moment, for me to accept this nectar with your hands….pause… may you always be blessed”…

And then, just like that, he turned and left…with his loaf of bread and half litre milk….

Leaving me feeling shocked .. expanded …touched ..in awe….
Like I had just had....... a conversation with god….

I could almost swear that afternoon there were more crows who came to have the bread…

God ..takes many forms…certainly !!!!

~ Rhea

Visarjan

It’s the 3rd day of Ganesh Chaturthi..and Mumbai is on high Alert due to torrential rains since morning, many places in the city are flooding..nothing new...and there is no connection between the two, ..that I know of .

And I think of the irony of people, letting god idols into water...

Anyway I digress.

Amidst torrential Rains..and Ganpati Visarjan.. The cacophony of celebration Drum and the visarjan procession is something, as a Mumbaikar I have resigned myself to..But even then ..when its less than 20 feet away from you and one is under the weather (pun intended), its still TOO much.

My ears were ringing, the frown on my forehead deepening, and a headache about to creep up… I was tired, annoyed and…judgmental about ‘such’ things’

Nevertheless.

I realized that even when I went up to my house and shut the doors and windows I could not drown the noise.

So.. deep breath.

As a recent me-2-me practice, I decided to walk towards, what was causing me this ‘suffering’. The procession with 9-10 large drums and some large brass plates colliding, much like my inner world, being enthusiastically beaten with FULL force by drenched, strong dancing men and women, was oblivious to all that was going on inside me.

Back to my practice.. which is by the way called ..”Larger than....”

The practice is not just walking towards but also being larger than, that which is causing the suffering, so I moved my focus from just the ears and head to ..receive the ‘noise’ with my full body. I went and stood a couple of feet away, almost becoming part of the procession and closed my eyes and let my whole being receive this....noise!!

Something magical happened..

My whole body and cells started reverberating ….to the rhythm..and I started to smile involuntarily. It felt like ALL my cells joined the procession and celebration for those 7-10 minutes. I could FEEL the beats inside my body. I had become the drum, the drum beats, and the drummers…

..and as I closed my eyes..surrendering to the drums..no longer resisting… in the MIDDLE of the procession, dancing people, loud singing of “ganpati bappa moray” …

Everything just fell into a spontaneous silence ..

I could have been underwater… everything was so still !!!

I had immersed and merged.

And, just as spontaneously..after what, in my mind was a long time ..

I opened my eyes and felt content, peaceful, cleansed … and grateful !!...

And.. I bowed to Ganapati and took the prasad and the gift of this amazing experience and left..

The Suffering transformed to Celebration.

The Experience may not always be in your control..but the space in which the experience is experienced.. can be.

Visarjan:

The english meaning of this word : Immersion and Letting Go !!! -

Just What I am learning to do.

Weakness

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I am not naturally strong or quick,

and I am certainly not the smartest person around

I had to learn those thing to survive.

I have many many weaknesses

I get emotional over stupid things

I don't sleep enough

I don't stick to any routine

I procrastinate and waste time

I start but not follow through

I have difficulty asking for help, but expecting it- nonetheless

I loose temper and patience

I play the victim and feel sorry for myself

I take the low road when convenient

I say mean things that I don't mean

I hold back strong emotions till they burst out

I care too much about meaningless things and not

Enough about the important things

I take pride in being Alice in wonderland
and sometimes refuse to grow up

I put people on pedestal and not qualities

I get disappointed in myself quickly

My ego is too big and my mind too small

Often trapped inside itself

But – I don't accept that I am what I am 
and that I am doomed to be all this only

No.

I cannot accept this version of me.

I’m fighting – I am always fighting.

I struggle and I am scrapping

and kicking and clawing at those weaknesses

To change them.

To change me

To stop them

To not let them get the better of me
To be free

Some days I win. 
But some days I lose the battle

And lie bruised and bleeding and empty and lost

But, after the dust and blood settles

And through the tears that have washed the blood away

I can see in the distant horizon -  
the hazy image of the person I can be someday

A person certainly better than me today
Pulled by a purpose 

And that gives me new hope and energy to get back up

Own my shit and take responsibility, 
love myself a little more - again.

And I move forward.

With my fists clenched and tight,

head a little lower in humility -not shame

and heart bruised open and tender

Towards the battle – toward the struggles – Towards freedom

From the shackles of my mind

To take small steps with big determination

To strive to be just a little bit better today

Than I was yesterday

I try to grow –

That is all I know.

Emergency for Emergence ?

The recent Pulwana terror attack in India on February 14th 2019 is bone chilling, and somehow feels more real as we see pictures and videos everywhere. 

I don't watch TV or read news, now with good reason too. And so I was suddenly jolted into the tangible reality and magnitude of this incident when I received a whats-app message from my mother-in-law, of a prayer chain for the soldiers who died trying to keep others safe.

I sat upright and began to think how much different this was then, say maybe be 15 years ago. When an incident like that was more a statistic than story of a brother or a son, that we knew, and more importantly mourned for. Even as I did forward the mail, a behavior I don't subscribe to generally –

I wondered at the power of the collective intent to move people they did not even know and lead a movement without even knowing it.
Do we always need an emergency for emergence?
Sometimes the cost of the emergency, just because have we have gotten used to it, may be too high. A heart attack, a death, a broken relationship, an injured foot, a shutdown, a tsunami .. . We don't have to win at a losing game.
Are we going to be a bystander in our own life and the world we live in or are we going to take responsibility and participate?

 How powerful an impulse was that. This also reminded me of the Nirbhaya case few years ago when the whole Nation became united. 

A collective experience of connection with a fellow human being. Pain somehow made the borders porous.

My heart at once felt a deep sense of loss for the lives that went off in a jiff and a sense of profound hope for us as people for allowing the emergence of humanity to express itself. Doesn't matter the medium. 

However - I am left with an uneasy question,

 On further contemplation on the fractal of this phenomena…. I realised this was also true in my personal life. Few years ago I was 20 kgs overweigh, stuck in a situation in my life for close to 10 years unable to move on, even though I wanted to. I then met with an accident on my birthday which then of course made me move. Newtons law of motion certainly held true: Any object will continue to stay in its state of inertia until acted upon by an external force.

Reminder to self - I am not an object.  

As a leadership consultant with organisations, I have also seen this emergency for emergence phenomena play out. The ‘unhealthy’ practices and systems will continue to exists and carry on without realising its higher potential, and the excuse being we are good - Untill the impulse to move from good to great takes over naturally or forcibly. Sometimes it looks like drastic steps, shutting down some bleeding business, make the organization leaner by letting people go -all of this certainly painful, but in the longer view serving the growth impulse.

My question, again – Do we need emergency for emergence?? - If not what else is the other option?

In evolutionary context, as thinking beings, we have the ability to self reflect and connect abstract dots in order to be an intelligent participant in the process consciously. If we don't do this, we are still anyways unconsciously choosing – but this way we cannot be the “designers” we merely become the ‘designed”. Nouns not verbs.

We are currently in times where exponential good and bad are happening simultaneously. Technology is very quickly accelerating the process – in the way information and communication gets organised and broadcast. And the freedom to do so. 

And so, we have two choices

Allow the unconscious pull of the pain, suffering and attachment to the past to continue and keep waiting for emergency after emergency to wake us up and move forward....

Or,

Consciously mindfully and intelligently learn from the past patterns and predict and redesign a more elegant beautiful future.  

Because if we don't do it, the default will happen anyways.

Its time we start the movement. - The choice needs clarity.

The future of our generations may well depend on that answer.

Rhea